I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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