the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just found puke in my bra..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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