I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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