he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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