Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
