Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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