Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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