I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
