she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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