How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
