i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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