walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
