How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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