Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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