nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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