Soap is not a condiment
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
