Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
