i wish there were pregnant emoticons
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
