We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
