i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
