I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
