put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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