How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
