sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
