she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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