thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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