did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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