Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
