god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
