Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
