Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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