the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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