he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
