remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
