she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
