OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
