just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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