dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Someone shattered a urinal.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
