We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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