I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
