im drinking this country out of the recession.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
