a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...