I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
