Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she woke up with a sticky ear
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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