i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
