I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
