My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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