The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
