It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
