The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
