it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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