Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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