I could have mohawked her pubes.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
