omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
