this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
