highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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