i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it was like eating out sand paper
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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