in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
