Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
