If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
