you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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